He broke my heart, Mommy

Dear Mom,

After you were gone I fell in love for the very first time in my life! Truly, madly, deeply in love. But he broke my heart, Mommy. He broke it into a thousand tiny little pieces and he kept on breaking it after two long years. I let him continue to do it too. I was in love, he told me he was in love as well but he was a coward and I was too. He couldn’t walk away from his current, unhappy life to be happy with me because he was a coward. I couldn’t stop hoping because I was scared I would never find love again. Cowards, we were both.

It took a very long time for me to let him go and once I did, I felt much better. Free, happy and for the first time I felt that it was possible to find love again. But alas, he had other plans for me. He contacted me after I asked him to stop. Three months after I was able to let him go, he wrote and email to my best friend and it had a message in it meant for me. That small sentence opened up a world of feelings and I fell into the chasm he laid open at me feet. Yet again!

Before you start cursing him, I now know that this had to happen because it was a lesson I had to learn to finally, truly get over him.

I opened myself up to him one last time. I told him he had one more chance to make it right, to choose happiness and love and to walk away from the situation he is in. I gave him one week to answer because I wasn’t about to sit around for a month to realize he wasn’t going to answer. The day came and of course, he didn’t answer me. He didn’t even have the respect to write one word on an email… No.

Since he couldn’t take five minutes to log onto his email and type two letters and hit send, I knew he would never be the man I originally fell in love with. The worst thing is, is that I know the man he could be, but since he is choosing to the man he is being, I am better off without him.

I will never ever let him or any other man do this to me again. You may think that is the lesson I was supposed to learn but that is not all. I also learned another lesson. I’m a doormat. I am too nice. Nice to a fault. I thought I was just a sweet person and that I was easy going.

I looked back at all the relationships I’ve had and I realized that I let men get away with so much and I never got any kind of reward for being a sweet and easy going girlfriend. In fact, I got the complete opposite. I got walked on, used, cheated on and abused. I now know that if I continue to be a doormat, the only kind of man I will attract is the kind of man that will walk all over me.

Don’t worry, I won’t be a hater. I won’t be a ball buster. I will still be my sweet self, just with boundaries. You show me how sweet you can be and I will show you how sweet I can be.

I found a great quote and I plan to live by it and never forget it. Even when the love bug bites and I am excited and euphoric.

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”

I love and miss you every day.

Love, Shelley-Ann