Dear Mom,

I made butter!!! I actually made it! It was pretty exciting. I didn't know you could do that until my friend from work told me. So we looked it up online and the following weekend I did it! I was so proud of myself. 

I also learned how to bake bread! It's only Irish Soda Bread without yeast but I am still good at it. I am freaked out to make bread that calls for yeast but I bought a jar of dry yeast yesterday. I have been thinking about trying it out but it will probably take me a few days to work myself up to it but I am sure I'll figure it out.

I've been baking other things too and have decided to try to make my own pastry dough. I know it is easier to buy it but I want to be more sustainable on my own rather than going out to buy things at the store. If I can make it at home, I want to try that before I go to the store. Saving money and getting back to old ways is something I want to try out. Being self sustained might be a good way to go in this day and age.

I remember all those jam pies you made for me. You always made things special for me when I didn't like something. You always made me your jam pie so I had dessert on Thanksgiving and Christmas. When you made potato salad you made a bowl for me without eggs. You were always thinking of me and I will never forget that. Thank you , Mom.

I love and miss you very much.

Love, Shelley xoxoxo

Those Eyes!!!

Dear Mom,

Now that I have been shown the light with my last heartbreak and I am able to move on, learn the lessons I need to learn, I know that I am ready to find my true mate.

I asked the spirits to show me my mate in a dream and that night I dreamt of him. I was walking into a scene where I could see myself sitting next to a man. We were talking and laughing and even though I had no idea what we were saying, I felt happy. In moments I was back inside my body and looking at him. He asked me if I would like to go on a date with him and I said that I would love to.

Any time I dreamt of a man that I didn’t know, I was never able to see his face. This time I saw his face but not in perfect clarity. While I looked at him, I saw that he was Caucasian, he had short dark hair but otherwise, was not very recognizable or distinguishable. Just as I was wondering if I was attracted to him, something in the scene changed. His face began to fade but his eyes became clear and captivating. All I could see were his eyes and they were the most uniquely beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

That was about all I could recall when I woke up but later that day I remembered sitting on a cushioned bench with a beige wall behind us and a large window behind him. Later I realized that it was where I go each lunch time to read.

But really, all I care about are his eyes. Later when I was telling a co-worker about the dream and how his eyes were brought out, she asked me what I thought it meant. I told her I thought it was because our eyes are windows to our souls and that is how I will recognize him.

I have yet to see him and his amazing eyes, but I know he is just around the corner. I can’t wait until the day I can write to you and tell you about it.

I miss you very much and love you even more.

Love, Shelley

He broke my heart, Mommy

Dear Mom,

After you were gone I fell in love for the very first time in my life! Truly, madly, deeply in love. But he broke my heart, Mommy. He broke it into a thousand tiny little pieces and he kept on breaking it after two long years. I let him continue to do it too. I was in love, he told me he was in love as well but he was a coward and I was too. He couldn’t walk away from his current, unhappy life to be happy with me because he was a coward. I couldn’t stop hoping because I was scared I would never find love again. Cowards, we were both.

It took a very long time for me to let him go and once I did, I felt much better. Free, happy and for the first time I felt that it was possible to find love again. But alas, he had other plans for me. He contacted me after I asked him to stop. Three months after I was able to let him go, he wrote and email to my best friend and it had a message in it meant for me. That small sentence opened up a world of feelings and I fell into the chasm he laid open at me feet. Yet again!

Before you start cursing him, I now know that this had to happen because it was a lesson I had to learn to finally, truly get over him.

I opened myself up to him one last time. I told him he had one more chance to make it right, to choose happiness and love and to walk away from the situation he is in. I gave him one week to answer because I wasn’t about to sit around for a month to realize he wasn’t going to answer. The day came and of course, he didn’t answer me. He didn’t even have the respect to write one word on an email… No.

Since he couldn’t take five minutes to log onto his email and type two letters and hit send, I knew he would never be the man I originally fell in love with. The worst thing is, is that I know the man he could be, but since he is choosing to the man he is being, I am better off without him.

I will never ever let him or any other man do this to me again. You may think that is the lesson I was supposed to learn but that is not all. I also learned another lesson. I’m a doormat. I am too nice. Nice to a fault. I thought I was just a sweet person and that I was easy going.

I looked back at all the relationships I’ve had and I realized that I let men get away with so much and I never got any kind of reward for being a sweet and easy going girlfriend. In fact, I got the complete opposite. I got walked on, used, cheated on and abused. I now know that if I continue to be a doormat, the only kind of man I will attract is the kind of man that will walk all over me.

Don’t worry, I won’t be a hater. I won’t be a ball buster. I will still be my sweet self, just with boundaries. You show me how sweet you can be and I will show you how sweet I can be.

I found a great quote and I plan to live by it and never forget it. Even when the love bug bites and I am excited and euphoric.

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”

I love and miss you every day.

Love, Shelley-Ann

$$$ Lesson

Dear Mom,

I know you were worried about me before you passed on and I assured you that I would be fine. It took me a little while, but I am learning. I know you worried about me and money and you were right to worry. I am not good with money. I’ve always stayed afloat but I have never had any kind of nest egg or even an RSP that I don’t take from when it gets big enough, so that I can get myself out of a little trouble here and there.

But like I said, I am learning. I’ve learned an awful lot about myself lately and I will write to you about that but I know you would rather hear about this lesson first.

I have made myself a budget. Right now I am behind so I am not able to get myself in step quite yet, but it is coming. I have had a bit of a wake-up call. My poor kitty has feline acne and I can’t even afford to take her to the vet to get it looked at. I am taking care of it though, and it is not life threatening, but I feel all kinds of terrible about this. You know how much I love my pets and you’ve spend thousands of dollars on Johnny and Brandy when they were sick. Thank Goddess, Beans just has a simple affliction, unlike poor John and Brandy, but still. I would do anything for my girl yet I can’t take her to the vet until next pay day. I hate this. It is my fault though and I will get myself out of it. I always have.

So my lesson is that I need to look at every penny I spend. I have made a budget, I have listed all my bills plus my usual expenses but it isn’t enough. I make pretty good money and I should have more but I obviously don’t look at what I am spending very closely because all of a sudden I don’t have much left and I haven’t gotten to the grocery store yet! I hate this! It is time to buckle down and grow up.

I know you would help me any way you could if you were here and I appreciate that but since you and Dad have always bailed me out, I have never learned. So this time, I have to do it on my own so I can’t and won’t ask Dad.

It will take me some time but I promise you, I will do it, and I will let you know what my progress is.

I love and miss you every second of every day.

Love, Shelley-Ann. xo

What this blog is about

I lost my Mom May 6, 2006 and I miss her very much. This blog is a place where I can write to her to tell her my thoughts, my feelings and any news I would have shared with her if she was still alive. I used to speak to her at least twice a day and not being able to do that is pretty tough. I still think, in the middle of a busy day, "Oh, I should call Mom." It only takes a second to realize that I can no longer pick up the phone to say hello or ask her how her day is going. So I created this blog, thinking that I can write to her and tell her what's happening in my life. I know she knows, as I believe that her spirit is with me, in fact I have spoken with her... Yes, I am one of those... A Medium. Or rather, a medium in training. So some of my letters will be about that. If you don't believe, please be kind and keep your opinions to yourselves. I would never think to make fun of or condemn a person for believing something I don't believe in. Thank you.

Love and Blessings to all. Shelley-Ann